Under Pressure

Hi Friendies,

I am feeling under pressure to update and be hilarious because my other two posts were so well received. Frankly, I can't be funny all the time so bare with me.

Today I will put some examples as to why online dating is SO PAINFUL.

These are two real life emails I got on my online profile today:

1. Hi just joined match a week ago looking 2 meet new people if you wanna chat shoot me an email.

Let's analyze for a minute. What did he ask me about myself? Did he send me a compliment? WHAT ON EARTH WOULD MAKE ME WANT TO RESPOND TO THAT? EVEN IF HE WAS GORGEOUS (Which he is actually a troll) I WOULDN'T DO IT. Like, what is even the point of him emailing me. If I make the first move (which I rarely do) I always ask a question or make a comment about something in their profile, or compliment them.

Apparently, you can't copy and paste on here so I will write verbatem on my next email. THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE BTW. SO ENJOY.

2. Hi my name is Rasheem and I am 27 from *** ****** I'm 33 years of age I'm african american I'm gonna be straight with you I'm in a miserable relationship with my kids mother I have two kids my life has had its up and downs I did seven years in prison when I was 22 came home in 2007 I've been doing great since then I've been working hard I know no one's gonna give me anything oh wait and i got charged with a posession of a firearmI did a lot of reading and educating myself right now I get paid 19 an hour and i started at 8.50 I'm trying to succeed and the woman in my life doesn't want me to she wants to hold on to the old me i hope you take a chance on our friendship and it can blossom into a beautiful thang.

(yes all one sentence)

WHERE DO I EVEN START? IT'S TOO PAINFUL TO ANALYZE THIS ONE. YOU CAN DO IT IN YOUR OWN MIND.

YOU WONDER WHY I'M SINGLE!

Trying to snag a mate in real life...

My friend and I decided to go to a bar to "try to snag a mate in real life". What I mean by this, is getting a guy to talk to me in person instead of online. If you know me, I am very outgoing (in fact, my job is TALKING for a living). However, guys out at bars don't often approach a full figured gal. The most depressing part about it is I have lost about 70 lbs. Truly I am NOT THAT FAT. However, I was approached more frequently at clubs when I was fatter. Here are some theories as to why I am not approached in real life:

Theory 1: It dawns on me that in my fatter days perhaps it was what is pejoratively called "chubby chasers" that took a liking to me. Now I am not INCREDIBLY fat but somewhere in the middle, so to guys that like really fat girls... I am too thin. And to guys that like thin girls... I am not nearly thin enough. Shit.

Theory 2: All guys SECRETLY like full figured gals. However, they are EMBARRASSED about what their friends might think or say. I believe this to be true. I have known some fat girls in real life who said guys have admitted this to them. Pretty cold huh? I also remember a certain male that wouldn't put on facebook that they were in a relationship with me. And I always pick a thin looking default pic so I don't know what the friggen big deal is. But.... I digress.

So anyway. Steph and I went out this past saturday to a bar to see if we could "snag a date in real life". She feels she cannot snag one because she is too tall. I think that is bull, she is GORGEOUS. However, I see her point. Guys like tiny little things. Rude.
Anyway, Steph and I decide to follow all the rules that my friend Tai (a hot young black man however strictly platonic as he lives in NY and *of course* has a girlfriend) gave us.

Rule 1: sit right at the bar in the middle of the action (check!)
Rule 2: wear something sexy but not slutty (check!)
Rule 3: make sure you are laughing and smiling (check!)

About 30 minutes into our first mate snagging session, low and behold, I am approached by an attractive young man. Could it be that easy? Could someone ask for my number 30 minutes into my first mate snagging session?! "Don't I know you from somewhere?" he asks... it turns out that yes, I do know him. We chat for a good 20-30 minutes. He is funny, engaging, smart. He seems genuinely interested... he remembers details about me, he touches my arm a couple of times... this is going well. Or so I think. He then tells me he is going to another bar. Steph and I assume he is going to ask us to accompany us. But he doesn't. In fact, wait... he DIDN'T leave to go to another bar. HE IS RIGHT BEHIND ME! Making out with another chick! All in the span of 5 minutes. We obviously got a good chuckle about that one. No mate that night.
So then we called Tai on our way home. Shit, it turns out I forgot ALL ABOUT Rule #4.

Rule 4: Guys like flirters, not talkers.

I love to talk as I said. But I was not flirting with him. However, if I had only jammed my tongue down his throat like the girl behind me, then shit. I might have been in business.

Some background about your lovely author

Hello!
I have decided to start this blog after countless HORRIFIC dating experiences. All of my friends find my stories hilarious... as do I. Good thing I have a good sense of humor or I would have killed myself a long time ago.
About me... I am a 25 year old female. I have a sweet ride, a sweet apartment, and good style... all funded by yours truly. This curvy chick has a masters degree and two jobs. I am a hard working girl... but I always make time to date! (Although I am wondering why the hell I am!)
I have been online dating for years now. I met my one very serious boyfriend online... one of those message board sites where... you know... a certain KILLER met females (they can't all be murders can they?!). We will call him Fabio. Well Fabio and I were set to be married! Crazy huh? We dated almost two years... he told me he loved me within the first three dates, we discussed our children's names, and he actually went engagement ring shopping for me twice with my two best friends. Low and behold, all of a sudden I'm DUMPED and within a week, some low class, cheaper model of me (although slightly thinner) is appearing in all of his pictures with him online and what do you know?! they are visiting his family in Virginia that I never met. Hallelujah!
A couple months after me and that douchelord broke up, I went on several unsucessful online dates and met the anti-Fabio... a hard working smart lawyer who owned his own house (and didn't live with his parents and have his mother do his laundry like fabio did). Since he was half black, naturally I stereotyped him and assumed he would love my fat ass. Low and behold, several months into our dating he tells me he "would prefer a thinner girlfriend" and naturally.... that was the end of that relationship!
Since him, I have been going out on countless internet dates. A friend of mine, Jen, said that if it weren't for online dating, fat girls would never date. She is right! I have never been asked for my phone number out. Me and my friend Stephanie have decided to go out every weekend and try to "snag mates". These experiences will also be documented here.
I joined a paying dating site where I am "matched"... let's just say... it's the site that is responsible for more marriages than any other... well all of my "matches" want a girl who is "slim and slender" or "athletic and toned". See if I give them my credit card for a second installment!
Hope you enjoyed the brief introduction. I imagine this blog will continue for years to come....