also

in case you wanted follow up to the previous one... after much consideration i wrote back to my neighbor.
i said
"oh that's funny! and a little awkward! How's it going?"

HE NEVER REPLIED.

RUDE!

Happy Valentine's Day to me

Each time I think a story outdoes another, a new one takes the cake. I think this one wins for now.

There I sat innocently with cute second graders and my OT friend making beaded coasters. I am dressed in a light purple pastel sweater surrounded by paper valentine hearts and candies (I am setting the scene so you see how angelic I am). I hate Valentine's day but could this year be different?! I have an online date scheduled for tonight... it's a lot of pressure of course for a first date on Valentine's day... but the guy (lets call him crazyface) thought it would "be cute".
Anywho, yesterday we talk for two hours.... he is really nice. Then out of no where... he tells me he used to be a stripper! He said it was to make extra money and he was only 20 and he has grown up so much since then. Obviously, this is a red flag but the rest of the conversation is going well. He says he has only been with five girls in his life, so don't think he is slutty or anything. He can't wait to meet me, he says. He said he would like to meet that night, but I am busy. He settles for the next day (today... valentine's day). I say it's problematic because there will be so many couples out, so I tell him we will go somewhere really unromantic so it's not awkward. He texts me this morning and say we are still on and can't wait to meet me. We are texting randomly throughout the day when I get the following text: (I am copying directly from my texts)
Crazyface: I am a God among men.
Me: Why?
Crazyface: I don't know if I can tell you.
Me: Do you have a golden penis?
Crazyface: I think I might.
Me: Sweet.
Crazyface: I am a bad boy.
Me: Are you trying to scare me so I don't want to go out later?
Crazyface: Not at all, but you should know I've been a bad boy.
Me: How bad?
Crazyface: Depends what you consider bad.
Me: Well you brought it up.
Crazyface: I would feel bad going out with you tonight after what happened last night.
Me: What?
Crazyface: Just to let you know. I am only telling you this because I like you it's important to be honest.
(I don't reply)
CrAzyface: I had a foursome with three women last night.
Me: Yeah right. You're not serious.
Crazyface: Sadly I am.
Me: did you not say yesterday that you were with five people in your whole life?!
Crazyface: Yeah, cuz I have been in relationships the entire time. I went on a date and things got out of control. There was a lot of alcohol involved.
Me: Okay.
CrAzyface: I'm really sorry. You're a sweet girl but I messed up last night. Please don't think badly of me.
Me: Maybe you can call her and take her out tonight. We already know you'd get some!
Crazyface: I'd prefer not to. She took advantage of me. Please don't judge me.
Me: If you wanted to get out of the date, you could have just said so instead of this story!
Crazyface: What?
Me: You knew exactly what you were doing!
Crazyface: Excuse me? I've never met you!
Crazyface: And I don't plan on it ever after that statement! How dare you?!
Me: You knew what you were doing when you told me that!
Crazyface: Erase my number and have a fantastic valentine's day!

IS THAT NOT AN ELABORATE STORY TO AVOID A DATE?!
AND IF IT'S TRUE....

IS THE LORD PUNKING ME??!?!?!

These are whoppers

Hello!
Are you glad I'm back?
I was dating a really nice guy... who (of course) I met him online. I have nothing negative to say about him but it just didn't work out... we were really opposites.
ANYWHO
I have two stories that occured in one day (today).

These are whoppers.

Okay, first of all, I started talking to this guy Phil online like a week ago. He seemed pretty nice, had his shit together, a masters degree, his own business, etc. Anywho, we exchanged numbers yesterday and chatted on the phone. He was coming on a little strong so I wasn't sure if I could get a good read on him. So then he was texting me all day today. He seemed really nice. So I sign online a little while ago and low and behold there he is. He IMs me and says he is a "horny mess" (which he hasn't been gross like that yet). So I say that "I'm sorry to hear that" and he says that women he dates aren't really "into" the same things he is. So clearly he wants me to ask what he is into. So I say "why, what do you like?" And I quote:
" being dominate, deepthroat.. rough sex.. toys., anal" (copied and pasted directly from the IM)
on my end there is silence.....
so two minutes later he says "you?"
To which I reply "I'm not really comfortable discussing that with you"
So then he flies off the handle. He says I am rude because "I asked him" and I won't share it with him... so I say "sorry I'm just not comfortable I don't even know you". So then he says "lose my number" and blocks me!

WHAT PLANET IS HE ON?!

Okay this one is even better.
So on okcupid, when you view someone's profile it shows them. So I view this cute black guy's profile. So I log in and see that he messages me. What's his message?

"I'm your neighbor".

I'M SO EMBARRASSED... AHHHHHHHH!