Three Wretched Dates in one week... I wish I had those 9 hours of my life back!

Hello!
So my computer isn't working but I still will check my dating profile ads when I go to my parents house or to a friends. (It is blocked at work and frankly I would be mortified if I got in trouble for going online dating at work... plus Danelle accused me of it at Providence and low and behold she was lying because all the sites were blocked and my boss knew it... who wins now, Danelle?) but I digress.

So anyway, my point is... I booked a lot of dates because I knew I wouldn't be checking messages too frequently. So I gave out my number pretty quick just to get things moving if you will...

Brace yourself...

Date #1: (Saturday). So this homeboy had been emailing me on and off for a while. I had taken myself off (obviously... but unlike B.. my douche of an ex boyfriend) when I was dating that guy recently. Anyway, he noticed I was back and said hello. However, he is full of small talk. I don't think he ever asked me anything with substance. Even the texts were boring. We didn't phone talk prior which was a mistake. Being a shallow Hal, I decided to go out with him anyway because he is good looking and hoped perhaps with a drink in him at the date he would be less awkward (which he actually admitted he was awkward... I swear to God). I guess maybe he is a shallow Hal too because the first thing he says to me is "you look beautiful" but obviously a girl can appreciate that! Anywho, we go on the date and low and behold, I'm doing all the talking (big surprise). In addition to that being lame, this lady comes up to us and goes to him "excuse me, are you famous?" I looked at her with horror and he said "no", and she continued to hit on my date. Then she turns to me and says "oh no honey, I'm not hitting on your date, I'm 58 years old". To which I reply, "that's okay you can have him". My true colors were already out because clearly this was going no where. The bill came and I said... oh do you want to split it? AND HE SAYS SURE!!!!!!!!! Jerk. Obviously he didn't like me because if he did he wouldn't let me pay a cent. Furthermore, it was even more unfair because doucher ordered an appetizer and I didn't... AND HE KEPT THE LEFTOVER PIZZA. So it wasn't even fair to "split it". Asshole. So at the end of the date, he hugs me and says "I'll call you" to which I roll my eyes and say "okay". Clearly I haven't heard from him. That's the end of that date.



Date #2: (Tuesday) This is a date with a "banker". In his picture he has typical banker attire. Nice. However, when I ask who he lives with... he states his parents. Which then leads me to learn he also works second shift at a grocery store. Not the kind of "banker" I had in mind. So I pull into this restaurant, and I see this man wearing a skull cap, biker boots, leather jacket, goggles, and biker boots. Nooooo this can't be him, right? I think to myself. So then I call his cell and say "Am I hallucinating or do you ride a motorcycle?" To which he chuckles and says yes it's him. Hmmmm. I'm completely taken aback. But believe it or not, he seemed nice and kind of normal on the date. That's strange. So at the end of the date, he hugs me and says "I'll text you when I get off the bike". He was a hard read. I couldn't tell if he liked me. But about 20 minutes later I get a text. He says he had a great time with me and I'm cute and he continues to flirt. The next morning he is flirting as well. However, the texts stop abruptly. I text him this morning with "ahem" and say "did I turn gross or something?" Now I know what Greg would say. He's just not that into me. So I figure who cares if I blow it. He has some excuses about being "busy". Whatever.

Date #3: This one is a whopper. Okay, so I go to meet a Portuguese/Italian guy with a good job who is complimenting me left and right. Ready for the red flag? 39 and never been married. I wonder why this is. In his pictures he is cute and we have had some nice witty banter. So I figure what the hell, I'll meet this guy. So I get there, and realize his pictures had to be at least 10 years old. This dude looks old and weathered. However, I decided against being a Shallow Hal (look where it got me with date #1) and keep an open mind. Good thing my mind is a parachute because this guy is ODD. Like the conversations was weird! Two glasses of wine deep, I say "so you're kind of old. why haven't you been married?" to which he socially awkwardly replies: "my uncle is 55". so i say "oh, and he isn't married?" and he says "no, he's married." so clearly I look at him dumbfoundedly and say okay so what's your point then? and he says "he feels young". umm. okay? So then he goes on to say he used to be engaged when he lived in florida (Two years ago). I say oh, what happened then? did you lose your job and have to move up here? he says "nope. i just wanted a change". I said "umm... so you just left her?" and he says "yeah if she doesn't want to move here it's not my problem". NICE. So I say "you must not have really loved her" and he says "yes i did". ummm... hmmm. the biggest red flag of all though I'd have to say honestly was that he ate ONE HALF OF ONE SLICE of pizza. Look at me. You think a small appetite is going to cut it with me? NO. But it turns out he is in love and wants to take me out again. he texts me: "do you think there is potential?" to which i reply "its hardto say after one date!" now he is asking me to come over....
Lord give me strength...
Okay that's it for now. No dates lined up but I'll keep you posted.

GN!

Sorry I called you poor!

Hello friends!
I'm back from a long hiatus!
I didn't do too much dating this summer (even though I was off of work... weird huh?)
then I ended up dating some guy I met on okcupid. That went up in flames...juuust around the time I called him poor. So that's over! I hope you are glad I'm back. I've got many stories!

Nutjob with a side of crazy

Hi Friends! I'm back. Did you miss me?
I have had an online date and talked to a couple people so I thought you might enjoy this story:

So there is this guy named Dave who sent me a message on the dating site. He went on and on about how beautiful I am in the first email, complete with "xoxoxo"'s. I thought that was a little extreme. I mean, I think I am good looking but let's not get carried away. So since he was attractive and I hadn't gone on a date in like a month, I thought I'd give him my number. Low and behold, ten seconds after I send my number he calls me and leaves a desperate sounding message. When I didn't answer, he sent me a text saying, "I called you, call me back." WHAT. THE. FUCK. So anyway, I did call him back because now I am curious about how crazy he is. (I am a therapist and I work with crazy people so this stuff facinates me... lol) Anywho, I call him and he literally doesnt say anything. So I ask him a bunch of questions about himself. He gladly talks all about himself. So I decide to stop asking him questions... and the line goes silent. I say... is there anything you want to know about me? Silence... He says "ummm... I don't know... I'm not good at this stuff..." (NOT GOOD AT ASKING SOMEONE QUESTIONS ABOUT THEMSELVES? AFTER I ASKED HIM THINGS HE COULD HAVE SIMPLY SAID... HOW ABOUT YOU?!) So his "question" he comes up with is... "you are 25 right? (and before I get a chance to answer) he says... because I usually don't date girls as young as you but I'll give you this opportunity" (I WISH I COULD MAKE THIS STUFF UP FOLKS). So then he tells me he used to be a cocaine addict. (changed the subject back to himself). So I decide to hang up and I say "it was nice to talk to you" and he gets defensive and says "what, you dont want to talk to me again?!?!?!" i said no that's not the case, so he proceeds to call me and text me the whole next day and then leaves me a voicemail saying "WHY AREN'T YOU CALLING ME BACK?" so i text him saying i'm sick and he sends me an email saying "I WISH YOU JUST SAID YOU WEREN'T INTERESTED INSTEAD OF PLAYING AROUND". WOWWWW what a psycho!

I'll tell you about my date soon. Gotta go to work. Gross!

Under Pressure

Hi Friendies,

I am feeling under pressure to update and be hilarious because my other two posts were so well received. Frankly, I can't be funny all the time so bare with me.

Today I will put some examples as to why online dating is SO PAINFUL.

These are two real life emails I got on my online profile today:

1. Hi just joined match a week ago looking 2 meet new people if you wanna chat shoot me an email.

Let's analyze for a minute. What did he ask me about myself? Did he send me a compliment? WHAT ON EARTH WOULD MAKE ME WANT TO RESPOND TO THAT? EVEN IF HE WAS GORGEOUS (Which he is actually a troll) I WOULDN'T DO IT. Like, what is even the point of him emailing me. If I make the first move (which I rarely do) I always ask a question or make a comment about something in their profile, or compliment them.

Apparently, you can't copy and paste on here so I will write verbatem on my next email. THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE BTW. SO ENJOY.

2. Hi my name is Rasheem and I am 27 from *** ****** I'm 33 years of age I'm african american I'm gonna be straight with you I'm in a miserable relationship with my kids mother I have two kids my life has had its up and downs I did seven years in prison when I was 22 came home in 2007 I've been doing great since then I've been working hard I know no one's gonna give me anything oh wait and i got charged with a posession of a firearmI did a lot of reading and educating myself right now I get paid 19 an hour and i started at 8.50 I'm trying to succeed and the woman in my life doesn't want me to she wants to hold on to the old me i hope you take a chance on our friendship and it can blossom into a beautiful thang.

(yes all one sentence)

WHERE DO I EVEN START? IT'S TOO PAINFUL TO ANALYZE THIS ONE. YOU CAN DO IT IN YOUR OWN MIND.

YOU WONDER WHY I'M SINGLE!

Trying to snag a mate in real life...

My friend and I decided to go to a bar to "try to snag a mate in real life". What I mean by this, is getting a guy to talk to me in person instead of online. If you know me, I am very outgoing (in fact, my job is TALKING for a living). However, guys out at bars don't often approach a full figured gal. The most depressing part about it is I have lost about 70 lbs. Truly I am NOT THAT FAT. However, I was approached more frequently at clubs when I was fatter. Here are some theories as to why I am not approached in real life:

Theory 1: It dawns on me that in my fatter days perhaps it was what is pejoratively called "chubby chasers" that took a liking to me. Now I am not INCREDIBLY fat but somewhere in the middle, so to guys that like really fat girls... I am too thin. And to guys that like thin girls... I am not nearly thin enough. Shit.

Theory 2: All guys SECRETLY like full figured gals. However, they are EMBARRASSED about what their friends might think or say. I believe this to be true. I have known some fat girls in real life who said guys have admitted this to them. Pretty cold huh? I also remember a certain male that wouldn't put on facebook that they were in a relationship with me. And I always pick a thin looking default pic so I don't know what the friggen big deal is. But.... I digress.

So anyway. Steph and I went out this past saturday to a bar to see if we could "snag a date in real life". She feels she cannot snag one because she is too tall. I think that is bull, she is GORGEOUS. However, I see her point. Guys like tiny little things. Rude.
Anyway, Steph and I decide to follow all the rules that my friend Tai (a hot young black man however strictly platonic as he lives in NY and *of course* has a girlfriend) gave us.

Rule 1: sit right at the bar in the middle of the action (check!)
Rule 2: wear something sexy but not slutty (check!)
Rule 3: make sure you are laughing and smiling (check!)

About 30 minutes into our first mate snagging session, low and behold, I am approached by an attractive young man. Could it be that easy? Could someone ask for my number 30 minutes into my first mate snagging session?! "Don't I know you from somewhere?" he asks... it turns out that yes, I do know him. We chat for a good 20-30 minutes. He is funny, engaging, smart. He seems genuinely interested... he remembers details about me, he touches my arm a couple of times... this is going well. Or so I think. He then tells me he is going to another bar. Steph and I assume he is going to ask us to accompany us. But he doesn't. In fact, wait... he DIDN'T leave to go to another bar. HE IS RIGHT BEHIND ME! Making out with another chick! All in the span of 5 minutes. We obviously got a good chuckle about that one. No mate that night.
So then we called Tai on our way home. Shit, it turns out I forgot ALL ABOUT Rule #4.

Rule 4: Guys like flirters, not talkers.

I love to talk as I said. But I was not flirting with him. However, if I had only jammed my tongue down his throat like the girl behind me, then shit. I might have been in business.

Some background about your lovely author

Hello!
I have decided to start this blog after countless HORRIFIC dating experiences. All of my friends find my stories hilarious... as do I. Good thing I have a good sense of humor or I would have killed myself a long time ago.
About me... I am a 25 year old female. I have a sweet ride, a sweet apartment, and good style... all funded by yours truly. This curvy chick has a masters degree and two jobs. I am a hard working girl... but I always make time to date! (Although I am wondering why the hell I am!)
I have been online dating for years now. I met my one very serious boyfriend online... one of those message board sites where... you know... a certain KILLER met females (they can't all be murders can they?!). We will call him Fabio. Well Fabio and I were set to be married! Crazy huh? We dated almost two years... he told me he loved me within the first three dates, we discussed our children's names, and he actually went engagement ring shopping for me twice with my two best friends. Low and behold, all of a sudden I'm DUMPED and within a week, some low class, cheaper model of me (although slightly thinner) is appearing in all of his pictures with him online and what do you know?! they are visiting his family in Virginia that I never met. Hallelujah!
A couple months after me and that douchelord broke up, I went on several unsucessful online dates and met the anti-Fabio... a hard working smart lawyer who owned his own house (and didn't live with his parents and have his mother do his laundry like fabio did). Since he was half black, naturally I stereotyped him and assumed he would love my fat ass. Low and behold, several months into our dating he tells me he "would prefer a thinner girlfriend" and naturally.... that was the end of that relationship!
Since him, I have been going out on countless internet dates. A friend of mine, Jen, said that if it weren't for online dating, fat girls would never date. She is right! I have never been asked for my phone number out. Me and my friend Stephanie have decided to go out every weekend and try to "snag mates". These experiences will also be documented here.
I joined a paying dating site where I am "matched"... let's just say... it's the site that is responsible for more marriages than any other... well all of my "matches" want a girl who is "slim and slender" or "athletic and toned". See if I give them my credit card for a second installment!
Hope you enjoyed the brief introduction. I imagine this blog will continue for years to come....