also

in case you wanted follow up to the previous one... after much consideration i wrote back to my neighbor.
i said
"oh that's funny! and a little awkward! How's it going?"

HE NEVER REPLIED.

RUDE!

Happy Valentine's Day to me

Each time I think a story outdoes another, a new one takes the cake. I think this one wins for now.

There I sat innocently with cute second graders and my OT friend making beaded coasters. I am dressed in a light purple pastel sweater surrounded by paper valentine hearts and candies (I am setting the scene so you see how angelic I am). I hate Valentine's day but could this year be different?! I have an online date scheduled for tonight... it's a lot of pressure of course for a first date on Valentine's day... but the guy (lets call him crazyface) thought it would "be cute".
Anywho, yesterday we talk for two hours.... he is really nice. Then out of no where... he tells me he used to be a stripper! He said it was to make extra money and he was only 20 and he has grown up so much since then. Obviously, this is a red flag but the rest of the conversation is going well. He says he has only been with five girls in his life, so don't think he is slutty or anything. He can't wait to meet me, he says. He said he would like to meet that night, but I am busy. He settles for the next day (today... valentine's day). I say it's problematic because there will be so many couples out, so I tell him we will go somewhere really unromantic so it's not awkward. He texts me this morning and say we are still on and can't wait to meet me. We are texting randomly throughout the day when I get the following text: (I am copying directly from my texts)
Crazyface: I am a God among men.
Me: Why?
Crazyface: I don't know if I can tell you.
Me: Do you have a golden penis?
Crazyface: I think I might.
Me: Sweet.
Crazyface: I am a bad boy.
Me: Are you trying to scare me so I don't want to go out later?
Crazyface: Not at all, but you should know I've been a bad boy.
Me: How bad?
Crazyface: Depends what you consider bad.
Me: Well you brought it up.
Crazyface: I would feel bad going out with you tonight after what happened last night.
Me: What?
Crazyface: Just to let you know. I am only telling you this because I like you it's important to be honest.
(I don't reply)
CrAzyface: I had a foursome with three women last night.
Me: Yeah right. You're not serious.
Crazyface: Sadly I am.
Me: did you not say yesterday that you were with five people in your whole life?!
Crazyface: Yeah, cuz I have been in relationships the entire time. I went on a date and things got out of control. There was a lot of alcohol involved.
Me: Okay.
CrAzyface: I'm really sorry. You're a sweet girl but I messed up last night. Please don't think badly of me.
Me: Maybe you can call her and take her out tonight. We already know you'd get some!
Crazyface: I'd prefer not to. She took advantage of me. Please don't judge me.
Me: If you wanted to get out of the date, you could have just said so instead of this story!
Crazyface: What?
Me: You knew exactly what you were doing!
Crazyface: Excuse me? I've never met you!
Crazyface: And I don't plan on it ever after that statement! How dare you?!
Me: You knew what you were doing when you told me that!
Crazyface: Erase my number and have a fantastic valentine's day!

IS THAT NOT AN ELABORATE STORY TO AVOID A DATE?!
AND IF IT'S TRUE....

IS THE LORD PUNKING ME??!?!?!

These are whoppers

Hello!
Are you glad I'm back?
I was dating a really nice guy... who (of course) I met him online. I have nothing negative to say about him but it just didn't work out... we were really opposites.
ANYWHO
I have two stories that occured in one day (today).

These are whoppers.

Okay, first of all, I started talking to this guy Phil online like a week ago. He seemed pretty nice, had his shit together, a masters degree, his own business, etc. Anywho, we exchanged numbers yesterday and chatted on the phone. He was coming on a little strong so I wasn't sure if I could get a good read on him. So then he was texting me all day today. He seemed really nice. So I sign online a little while ago and low and behold there he is. He IMs me and says he is a "horny mess" (which he hasn't been gross like that yet). So I say that "I'm sorry to hear that" and he says that women he dates aren't really "into" the same things he is. So clearly he wants me to ask what he is into. So I say "why, what do you like?" And I quote:
" being dominate, deepthroat.. rough sex.. toys., anal" (copied and pasted directly from the IM)
on my end there is silence.....
so two minutes later he says "you?"
To which I reply "I'm not really comfortable discussing that with you"
So then he flies off the handle. He says I am rude because "I asked him" and I won't share it with him... so I say "sorry I'm just not comfortable I don't even know you". So then he says "lose my number" and blocks me!

WHAT PLANET IS HE ON?!

Okay this one is even better.
So on okcupid, when you view someone's profile it shows them. So I view this cute black guy's profile. So I log in and see that he messages me. What's his message?

"I'm your neighbor".

I'M SO EMBARRASSED... AHHHHHHHH!

Three Wretched Dates in one week... I wish I had those 9 hours of my life back!

Hello!
So my computer isn't working but I still will check my dating profile ads when I go to my parents house or to a friends. (It is blocked at work and frankly I would be mortified if I got in trouble for going online dating at work... plus Danelle accused me of it at Providence and low and behold she was lying because all the sites were blocked and my boss knew it... who wins now, Danelle?) but I digress.

So anyway, my point is... I booked a lot of dates because I knew I wouldn't be checking messages too frequently. So I gave out my number pretty quick just to get things moving if you will...

Brace yourself...

Date #1: (Saturday). So this homeboy had been emailing me on and off for a while. I had taken myself off (obviously... but unlike B.. my douche of an ex boyfriend) when I was dating that guy recently. Anyway, he noticed I was back and said hello. However, he is full of small talk. I don't think he ever asked me anything with substance. Even the texts were boring. We didn't phone talk prior which was a mistake. Being a shallow Hal, I decided to go out with him anyway because he is good looking and hoped perhaps with a drink in him at the date he would be less awkward (which he actually admitted he was awkward... I swear to God). I guess maybe he is a shallow Hal too because the first thing he says to me is "you look beautiful" but obviously a girl can appreciate that! Anywho, we go on the date and low and behold, I'm doing all the talking (big surprise). In addition to that being lame, this lady comes up to us and goes to him "excuse me, are you famous?" I looked at her with horror and he said "no", and she continued to hit on my date. Then she turns to me and says "oh no honey, I'm not hitting on your date, I'm 58 years old". To which I reply, "that's okay you can have him". My true colors were already out because clearly this was going no where. The bill came and I said... oh do you want to split it? AND HE SAYS SURE!!!!!!!!! Jerk. Obviously he didn't like me because if he did he wouldn't let me pay a cent. Furthermore, it was even more unfair because doucher ordered an appetizer and I didn't... AND HE KEPT THE LEFTOVER PIZZA. So it wasn't even fair to "split it". Asshole. So at the end of the date, he hugs me and says "I'll call you" to which I roll my eyes and say "okay". Clearly I haven't heard from him. That's the end of that date.



Date #2: (Tuesday) This is a date with a "banker". In his picture he has typical banker attire. Nice. However, when I ask who he lives with... he states his parents. Which then leads me to learn he also works second shift at a grocery store. Not the kind of "banker" I had in mind. So I pull into this restaurant, and I see this man wearing a skull cap, biker boots, leather jacket, goggles, and biker boots. Nooooo this can't be him, right? I think to myself. So then I call his cell and say "Am I hallucinating or do you ride a motorcycle?" To which he chuckles and says yes it's him. Hmmmm. I'm completely taken aback. But believe it or not, he seemed nice and kind of normal on the date. That's strange. So at the end of the date, he hugs me and says "I'll text you when I get off the bike". He was a hard read. I couldn't tell if he liked me. But about 20 minutes later I get a text. He says he had a great time with me and I'm cute and he continues to flirt. The next morning he is flirting as well. However, the texts stop abruptly. I text him this morning with "ahem" and say "did I turn gross or something?" Now I know what Greg would say. He's just not that into me. So I figure who cares if I blow it. He has some excuses about being "busy". Whatever.

Date #3: This one is a whopper. Okay, so I go to meet a Portuguese/Italian guy with a good job who is complimenting me left and right. Ready for the red flag? 39 and never been married. I wonder why this is. In his pictures he is cute and we have had some nice witty banter. So I figure what the hell, I'll meet this guy. So I get there, and realize his pictures had to be at least 10 years old. This dude looks old and weathered. However, I decided against being a Shallow Hal (look where it got me with date #1) and keep an open mind. Good thing my mind is a parachute because this guy is ODD. Like the conversations was weird! Two glasses of wine deep, I say "so you're kind of old. why haven't you been married?" to which he socially awkwardly replies: "my uncle is 55". so i say "oh, and he isn't married?" and he says "no, he's married." so clearly I look at him dumbfoundedly and say okay so what's your point then? and he says "he feels young". umm. okay? So then he goes on to say he used to be engaged when he lived in florida (Two years ago). I say oh, what happened then? did you lose your job and have to move up here? he says "nope. i just wanted a change". I said "umm... so you just left her?" and he says "yeah if she doesn't want to move here it's not my problem". NICE. So I say "you must not have really loved her" and he says "yes i did". ummm... hmmm. the biggest red flag of all though I'd have to say honestly was that he ate ONE HALF OF ONE SLICE of pizza. Look at me. You think a small appetite is going to cut it with me? NO. But it turns out he is in love and wants to take me out again. he texts me: "do you think there is potential?" to which i reply "its hardto say after one date!" now he is asking me to come over....
Lord give me strength...
Okay that's it for now. No dates lined up but I'll keep you posted.

GN!

Sorry I called you poor!

Hello friends!
I'm back from a long hiatus!
I didn't do too much dating this summer (even though I was off of work... weird huh?)
then I ended up dating some guy I met on okcupid. That went up in flames...juuust around the time I called him poor. So that's over! I hope you are glad I'm back. I've got many stories!

Nutjob with a side of crazy

Hi Friends! I'm back. Did you miss me?
I have had an online date and talked to a couple people so I thought you might enjoy this story:

So there is this guy named Dave who sent me a message on the dating site. He went on and on about how beautiful I am in the first email, complete with "xoxoxo"'s. I thought that was a little extreme. I mean, I think I am good looking but let's not get carried away. So since he was attractive and I hadn't gone on a date in like a month, I thought I'd give him my number. Low and behold, ten seconds after I send my number he calls me and leaves a desperate sounding message. When I didn't answer, he sent me a text saying, "I called you, call me back." WHAT. THE. FUCK. So anyway, I did call him back because now I am curious about how crazy he is. (I am a therapist and I work with crazy people so this stuff facinates me... lol) Anywho, I call him and he literally doesnt say anything. So I ask him a bunch of questions about himself. He gladly talks all about himself. So I decide to stop asking him questions... and the line goes silent. I say... is there anything you want to know about me? Silence... He says "ummm... I don't know... I'm not good at this stuff..." (NOT GOOD AT ASKING SOMEONE QUESTIONS ABOUT THEMSELVES? AFTER I ASKED HIM THINGS HE COULD HAVE SIMPLY SAID... HOW ABOUT YOU?!) So his "question" he comes up with is... "you are 25 right? (and before I get a chance to answer) he says... because I usually don't date girls as young as you but I'll give you this opportunity" (I WISH I COULD MAKE THIS STUFF UP FOLKS). So then he tells me he used to be a cocaine addict. (changed the subject back to himself). So I decide to hang up and I say "it was nice to talk to you" and he gets defensive and says "what, you dont want to talk to me again?!?!?!" i said no that's not the case, so he proceeds to call me and text me the whole next day and then leaves me a voicemail saying "WHY AREN'T YOU CALLING ME BACK?" so i text him saying i'm sick and he sends me an email saying "I WISH YOU JUST SAID YOU WEREN'T INTERESTED INSTEAD OF PLAYING AROUND". WOWWWW what a psycho!

I'll tell you about my date soon. Gotta go to work. Gross!

Under Pressure

Hi Friendies,

I am feeling under pressure to update and be hilarious because my other two posts were so well received. Frankly, I can't be funny all the time so bare with me.

Today I will put some examples as to why online dating is SO PAINFUL.

These are two real life emails I got on my online profile today:

1. Hi just joined match a week ago looking 2 meet new people if you wanna chat shoot me an email.

Let's analyze for a minute. What did he ask me about myself? Did he send me a compliment? WHAT ON EARTH WOULD MAKE ME WANT TO RESPOND TO THAT? EVEN IF HE WAS GORGEOUS (Which he is actually a troll) I WOULDN'T DO IT. Like, what is even the point of him emailing me. If I make the first move (which I rarely do) I always ask a question or make a comment about something in their profile, or compliment them.

Apparently, you can't copy and paste on here so I will write verbatem on my next email. THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE BTW. SO ENJOY.

2. Hi my name is Rasheem and I am 27 from *** ****** I'm 33 years of age I'm african american I'm gonna be straight with you I'm in a miserable relationship with my kids mother I have two kids my life has had its up and downs I did seven years in prison when I was 22 came home in 2007 I've been doing great since then I've been working hard I know no one's gonna give me anything oh wait and i got charged with a posession of a firearmI did a lot of reading and educating myself right now I get paid 19 an hour and i started at 8.50 I'm trying to succeed and the woman in my life doesn't want me to she wants to hold on to the old me i hope you take a chance on our friendship and it can blossom into a beautiful thang.

(yes all one sentence)

WHERE DO I EVEN START? IT'S TOO PAINFUL TO ANALYZE THIS ONE. YOU CAN DO IT IN YOUR OWN MIND.

YOU WONDER WHY I'M SINGLE!